Purpose

as if he cares.

"i hate phone calls, chatting and texting but if it’s you, i can talk for hours or just listen to your stories about someone else. and this is not okay at all. but what can i do? i am always weak when it comes to you. everytime i make rules so i can stop loving you, i can always find ways to change them so i can beg the universe to draw me closer to you, once again. i tell myself, “i’m sorry” all the time, but in the end i just make the same mistakes enough for the world to call me stupid and the gods to stop accepting my apologies. if it’s 4 in the morning and you need to see love through hugs & exclamation marks, call me. i want my hands through your hair, my arms around your neck, yours around my waist but you only love me when the sun is gone and it’s time to talk about how someone out there is wasting all your love, dummy. look here. it is warmer right here, with me. whoever is pulling your strings away from where i am, i hope they’re pushing you closer to someone who will love you in ways you want to be loved. i’ll try to write shitty poems about you while waiting. I don’t really know how long but it seems like i have a lot of things to write about."
—1836 / mc


If he read this message, i want to tell him what and how i feel. But i am afraid, afraid of everything. Rejections, not to be appreciated, for getting hurt. I don't like anyone else for him but me. But it always makes me think. If we are going to be together, is he going to be happy with me? Am i capable to make him happy? Am i capable to take care of him? Is he not going to leave me? And is he going to live his life with me without any doubt? Is he going to love me like i'm his everything? am i capable to give him a child? Questions.. Hay.. Life goes on. Sometimes, things make me wonder. Is god really brought me here just to be alone? Just to feel unwanted? Just to feel like an idiot? Just to get hurt? Just to experience how cruel the world is? Just to see how evil and how judgemental the people is? What is my purpose in this world? Is it good or bad? Hay.. I believe in god grace. I believe whatever my mission is. God is with me. To guide me,.